Baguette is a play about toxic masculinity. Three fight over some bread in this play. It was first performed at the Newmarket National Play Festival and was a finalist of the competition.
Baguette
By
Sheung-King
Characters:
GREEN
PINK
AGENT
Time:
Somewhere
Setting:
A Café
Note:
Actors should approach the text in a serious manner.
PINK is sitting by himself and GREEN enters with a baguette.
GREEN
Sorry for being late! I got you some bread.
PINK
Oh wow. Thank-you.
GREEN
This bread is the best bread I’ve had in a while. You’ll love this bread.
PINK
Great!
GREEN hands PINK the bread.
PINK
Pause.
Actually, you know what? I think I went to the same bakery, just now. It's the one around the corner, right?
GREEN
Yeah! I love that place.
PINK
Yeah – I went in just now, but I didn't get anything.
GREEN
Well, perfect! I got something for you.
PIMK
Pause.
Yeah…
GREEN
Is… there a problem?
PINK
I mean, I appreciate the fact that you got me bread, but it's okay – you can keep it. I don't really feel like having bread right now.
GREEN
Come on, I got it for you. Can’t you just save it for later?
PINK
No, I don't think that's a good idea.
GREEN
Why's that?
PINK
I mean, I could have gotten bread just now, but I decided not to – and now, you're making me take the bread that I didn't want.
GREEN
What?
PINK
You see – if I take the bread, it'll be making me feel like I was too cheap to get the bread myself when I was at the bakery.
GREEN
It's just bread. It cost me three seventy-five. Just take it!
PINK
Pause.
I'm sorry.
Pause.
Maybe I'm being too sensitive. I'm a little stressed out. I had to trade in my Rover for an Audi – long story. Anyways, it's really nice of you to bring me bread, but I really don't want bread right now.
GREEN
Come on. Look at this beautiful baguette! My fiancée and I love the baguettes they make. Just smell it. Come on, give it a sniff.
PINK
Well, why don't you just save the bread for her, then?
GREEN
That wouldn't be right.
PINK
What?
GREEN
I mean... I got the bread for you. It won't be very nice if I just give her the bread just because you didn't want it.
PINK
If she likes the baguettes at that place so much, why would she mind?
GREEN
It's not about the bread.
PINK
It’s not about the bread?
GREEN
No, it’s not about the bread.
PINK
What is it about, then?
GREEN
I don't like giving her things other people don't want. It makes me feel like she's somehow secondary to me.
PINK
Secondary?
GREEN
Yeah, secondary. It'll make me feel like she’s somehow less important to me. You get it? And I'll feel guilty for doing that.
PINK
So, I should just take this bread against my will because you'd feel guilty if you saved it for your fiancée?
GREEN
Well, in a sense.
Pause.
Can you just take this bread, please?
PINK
So, if I eat this bread, I'll be, in a sense, swallowing the guilt that you would have had?
GREEN
Well... in a sense –
PINK
Shut the fuck up!
GREEN
Hey, what's the big deal? It's just a baguette.
PINK
I'm not swallowing your guilt!
GREEN
It's fresh and warm. Come on – take it home with you.
PINK
No!
GREEN
Then try some of it now!
Picks up the baguette and puts it next to PINK’s face.
PINK
No! I'm really not feeling this bread right now. Get it out of my face!
GREEN
You’re not feeling this bread?
PINK
Yes, I’m not feeling this bread.
GREEN
What do you mean by "not feeling this bread"?
PINK
I don't want bread right now!
GREEN
Why?
PINK
I told you. If I wanted bread, I would have gotten it for myself.
GREEN
Then why didn't you get it for yourself?
PINK
I don't know.
GREEN
You don't know?
PINK
Yeah, I don't know.
GREEN
Did you eat?
PINK
I had breakfast this morning.
GREEN
Was it filling?
PINK
Kind of, I guess.
GREEN
Are you hungry now?
PINK
No.
GREEN
Are you full, then?
PINK
Not really.
GREEN
You're neither hungry nor full?
PINK
Yes.
GREEN
Yes, what?
PINK
Yes, I’m neither hungry nor full right now.
GREEN
Are you in some kind of meditational state? Is your body somehow immune to hunger and fullness?
PINK
Fuck you!
GREEN
If I had given you something else, would you have eaten it?
PINK
Depends.
GREEN
Do you usually eat bread?
PINK
Yes, I eat bread. I eat bread all the time! I just don't want any bread right now.
GREEN
Why?
PINK
I told you – I DON'T KNOW!
GREEN
Did I do something that pissed you off somehow?
PINK
Yeah, a moment ago you were forcing me to smell your bread!
GREEN
That's it?
PINK
Yeah, that's it.
GREEN
Don't think that you can just take your anger out on me like that! It's not my fault you have to drive an Audi now.
PINK
Hey! I was fine a moment ago, and then you came in with your stupid ass bread and –
GREEN
I was trying to be nice. You're the one pissing me off!
PINK
How? How am I, the person who just doesn't want any bread, pissing you off?
GREEN
That's exactly how you’re pissing me off! By not wanting my bread – the bread I bought you!
Rips off a piece of the baguette and manages to shove some of the bread into PINK’s mouth.
How’s the bread?
PINK
Spits out the bread.
You know what?
GREEN
What?
PINK
You’ve changed.
GREEN
I’ve changed?
PINK
Yes, you’ve changed.
GREEN
How have I changed?
PINK
You never would have done this before.
GREEN
When’s before?
PINK
Before this happened.
GREEN
Of course I wouldn’t have done this before this happened. It’s still happening!
PINK
I know what you’re doing.
GREEN
What am I doing?
PINK
I think you don’t love your fiancé.
GREEN
What makes you say that?
PINK
That’s why you want me to take the bread.
GREEN
Stop making shit up—
PINK
Grabs the baguette and tries to shove the entire baguette into GREEN's mouth.
GREEN
Wait, stop!
PINK
What?
GREEN
I see what you mean.
PINK
What do I mean?
GREEN
Haven’t we done this before?
PINK
Done what?
GREEN
This whole bread thing.
PINK
We have?
GREEN
We have.
PINK
When?
GREEN
Before this happened.
PINK
What are you talking about?
GREEN
I’m starting to see a pattern.
PINK
What pattern?
Ready to shove the baguette in GREEN’s mouth.
GREEN
What were you going to do with that?
PINK
Shove it in your mouth.
GREEN
Why?
PINK
I want you to eat your own guilt.
GREEN
The guilt that I would have had?
PINK
Yes, the guilt that you would have had.
Tries to shove the bread in GREEN’s mouth, again.
GREEN
Wait, wait! If I eat my own guilt, I won’t have it anymore, right?
PINK
No, you’d still have it. It’d be inside you.
Tries to shove the bread in GREEN’s mouth once more.
GREEN
Wait, wait!
PINK
What?
GREEN
Why do you think I feel like this has happened before?
PINK
I don’t think that.
GREEN
No! Why do you think I think that?
PINK
You know what I think?
GREEN
What?
PINK
I think you should be feeling guilty.
GREEN
Guilty for what?
PINK
For being late.
Puts down the baguette.
GREEN
Why?
PINK
Do you feel guilty for being late?
GREEN
No.
PINK
Why?
GREEN
’Cause, I was getting you bread.
PINK
That’s not a reason to be late.
GREEN
Yes, it is.
PINK
You should have come earlier if you wanted to get me bread.
GREEN
Why?
PINK
How did you get here?
GREEN
I walked.
PINK
You should have taken a cab.
GREEN
Why should I have taken a cab?
PINK
To save time.
GREEN
To save time?
PINK
Yes, to save time.
GREEN
What did you say?
PINK
To save time.
GREEN
Pause.
Save
Pause.
time.
PINK
Yes, save time.
GREEN
Where does that time go?
PINK
What?
GREEN
If I had taken a cab, and saved time, where would that time go?
PINK
It’d go towards buying bread.
GREEN
Where do I save it?
PINK
Pause.
In the cab.
GREEN
The time I saved would be in the cab?
PINK
Pause.
Or nowhere. I don’t know, maybe it remains wherever it was before.
GREEN
If it just remains wherever it was before, then why would I bother saving it?
PINK
So I wouldn’t be waiting!
GREEN
So by not saving my time just now, did I somehow take away your time?
Silence.
PINK
Sighs.
GREEN
What happens to it?
PINK
(Tired)
What happens to what?
GREEN
The time I save, what happens to it?
PINK
I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know!
GREEN
Why are you mad?
PINK
I don’t know!
GREEN
’Cause you have an Audi now?
PINK
No.
GREEN
’Cause I didn’t take a cab?
PINK
No.
GREEN
’Cause I got you bread?
PINK
No.
GREEN
Sighs.
Silence.
Picks up the baguette.
Look at this –
PINK
Stop talking!
GREEN
Pause.
Sighs.
Beat.
PINK
(Trying to be patient.)
I think it adds up.
GREEN
What adds up?
PINK
The time you save – it doesn’t go anywhere. It adds up.
GREEN
Jumps on PINK and tries to choke PINK.
So what? What are we saving time for?
PINK
(Struggling to speak)
You’ve changed.
GREEN
(Still choking PINK)
I see a pattern!
PINK
(Struggling to speak)
What pattern?
GREEN
How have I changed?
AGENT enters and picks up the baguette.
AGENT
Excuse me. I found this baguette lying near your table and was wondering if it belonged to anyone?
PINK
(Struggling to speak)
It’s not mine.
GREEN
It’s not mine either.
AGENT
In that case, would it be alright if I take it?
GREEN
Um…
PINK
(Struggling to speak)
Why would you want to take it?
AGENT
This bread is still fresh and warm. I’ve run out of bread at home, so if I take this bread, it’ll save me a trip to the bakery.
GREEN stops choking PINK.
PINK
(Coughing)
And what exactly would you be saving?
AGENT
Well…time and money, I guess.
GREEN
How much time and how much money?
AGENT
Pause.
Well, maybe around ten minutes and approximately three dollars.
AGENT tries to exit.
PINK
Do you think time and money are equal?
AGENT
Excuse me?
PINK
The way you said it just now. You said “ten minutes and three dollars.” It sounded like time and money were one thing, calculated in one unit.
AGENT
Well, I guess depending on what you do, time and money can be one thing.
PINK
And what is it that you do?
AGENT
I’m a real estate agent.
GREEN
And to you, time and money are one?
AGENT
Well, sometimes.
Tries to exit, again.
PINK
When?
AGENT
Well, to me, space and money are more aligned than time and money. The larger the apartment I sell, the more money it’s worth and, therefore, the more I earn in commission.
GREEN
Sir—
AGENT
Sorry, I really do need to go. Thanks for the bread.
PINK
Wait!
AGENT
Yes?
PINK
If you don’t mind me asking – do you take cabs?
AGENT
Occasionally, I take cabs.
GREEN
What would the reason behind you taking a cab be?
AGENT
Well, there are many reasons to take a cab.
PINK
Would one of those reasons be to save time?
AGENT
Yes, one of the reasons I sometimes take cabs would be to save time.
PINK
What other reasons are there?
AGENT
Sorry – I’m looking for someone. I really need to get going.
PINK
For who?
AGENT
Excuse me?
GREEN
Who are you looking for?
AGENT
Sorry, I really need to get going –
GREEN
Can you please answer the question?
PINK
Why do you take cabs, sir?
AGENT
I…
Pause.
You know what, you can have the bread back.
PINK
We don’t want it back.
AGENT
Well then, I’ll get going. Thanks.
GREEN
Wait!
AGENT
What?
GREEN
Sir, just now you said that there were other reasons for taking a cab.
PINK
Yes, what are they?
AGENT
Well, I sell luxury apartments for a living, so I wear a suit all the time –
GREEN
Sir, sorry to interrupt, but what does selling space have to do with wearing suits?
AGENT
Well, it requires me to look more professional, I guess.
Tries to exit.
GREEN
To look –
Pause.
more professional.
PINK
Sorry, please hold on for a second, sir.
GREEN
What do you mean by looking more professional?
AGENT
I wear suits to work so I look like I know what I’m doing, I guess. If you’re wearing a nicely fitted suit, you can’t look like you don’t know what you’re doing.
Tries to exit.
PINK
Does the person you’re looking for have anything to do with space?
AGENT
Space?
PINK
You said you sell spaces to people, right?
AGENT
Yes.
PINK
So, are you looking for someone to sell space to?
AGENT
No. That would be much easier.
GREEN
Do you think saving time can help you find that person?
AGENT
Pause.
I’m… not sure.
PINK
Do you think wearing a suit can help you find the person?
AGENT
No, I don’t think so.
Silence.
GREEN
Then why do you want to leave so badly?
AGENT
I need to find my someone; it’s really important.
PINK
Who are you looking for?
AGENT
Someone –
Pause.
important.
AGENT stands still and stares into space.
PINK
Sir, are you alright?
AGENT
May I please just take this bread and leave?
GREEN
Please answer our question first. Why do you take cabs?
PINK
Why do you take cabs, sir? Why?
AGENT
When I take a cab, I eliminate walking. So then I won’t sweat in my suit!
Beat.
PINK
I think we should just give this guy the bread.
GREEN
Pause.
Yeah, I think we should give this guy the bread.
The lights fade.